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25 April 2006 @ 10:14 pm
sometimes when I get into my "deep" moods, I'm not always sure if they're gonna be good or not. sometimes I think I overanalyze things or over complicate things. sometimes I wonder if all the different variables in my internal situational calculator are really plausable. sometimes I wonder if I "see" things that aren't really there or true, at least not to the extent I'd like to be. I've been the victim of my own misjudgement before. I've also been too idealistic that I basically just forget that this is the world and not everything is gonna be perfect here. but yeah... the past 2 days have been so full of this as well as the deep thoughts that spawned this all. so much is in contemplation. it's more just a realization that I'm a free adult now, and that I have been for over 2 years now. it's a good thing... I remember posting a post back on the lotusbud86 account about my life as a flowering tree of sorts. as I said on the original post, I felt like I was a tree going through the whole growth process thing, and at the time I was sad because it felt like I had no flowers to show, even though most of the flowers were just budding at the time. the blossoms were yet to show their colors. well, those images are coming back... and the tree, I once thought was dying after the trauma last summer, is now alive and beautiful and full of blossoms. I see things more clearly now. I see that I have so much more room to grow and branch out. it's just lovely. yeah, it brings a whole new set of ponderings and questions to sort through, but it's totally worth it. I don't want to die again of whatever disease of sorts was afflicting my tree. anyways... that's enough for now. and in closing, I want to say one thing: I love you jeremiah...
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
21 April 2006 @ 09:59 am
update time!

let's see here..... hmmm.... work is going pretty well. it's becoming more of a routine than an "omg! I have no fucking clue what I'm doing so I'm gonna be nervious for the rest of the evening which will make me fuck up more and look like a complete loser!" it's funny how that learning process works. so now it's come down to the "hey! I'm getting paid to do all this easy crap and sit on my ass/read!" it's not too bad. I swear I've still made my stupid memory or dyslexic mistakes.

jeremiah is still awesome. I love the comfort factor to our hanging out. I'mma cut it all down to one word: amazing.

friends? what are those? just kidding! we need to all hang out together when I'm not working or at class. my ground school is almost over! so I'll have more time to chill on tuesday evenings, AND I'll be one step close to a pilot's license. hurray! that'll also mean that I'll be needing to log hrs. in, which in turn gives people an excuse for going someplace further away.

family is cool. my sister shelly is getting finalizations on wedding plans. June 25th is the wedding at Blue Sky Vinyards and Winery. it should be great fun. my sis candance is cool for other reasons, like helping out on the camping trip this weekend. ;D my 'rents are still being kinda dumb. easter dinner was just... blah... and I get an even stronger feeling that I need to get the fuck outta this house. by the way, Chewie had 4 little kittens. just thought I'd mention that.

hmm.. my inner self.. well, I've lacked a lot of depth recently. I'm guessing it's because of the job thing. you cannot serve God and Man... well, I'm working for the Man. that's kinda been neglecting God. I sit there and deal with so much materialism and greed all workday long. it's kinda making me drift off course methinks. it's just been a bit harder lately to take my eyes off of paychecks and keep them on the real payoff. I just hope things change a bit soon.

so yeah, that's a quick lil update on things.... I'll catch ya guys later when I have more things to say. laterz!
Current Mood: chipperchipper
16 April 2006 @ 04:38 am
umm.. happy easter/passover and stuff! I haven't updated in awhile, primarily because I haven't been doing jack shit except working, hanging out with jeremiah and ocassionally walters & krista, and running my WoW guild quite nicely, if I might add. I feel like I'm in one of those ruts where everything has gotten too comfortable and mundane. I just feel like I haven't been progressing in my humanity lately. I mean, yeah, I started working. that was a plus. but ugh... something new needs to happen.

I've recently shown jeremiah more of my druidic secrets. I'm glad that it's spring, yet uneasy at the same time. I've already experianced the pains that warm weather bring such as poison ivy, ticks, mosquitos, and icky sweaty humidity....... and it's only April! :'( I wanna go out wilderness camping. no comforts, just nature. I requested off from the 21st-23rd because I thought the gang was going down to that convention in Nashville, but that apparently isn't happening. I guess that might be a grand time to go off on a trek.

ya know, in pondering the whole blahness of my ordinary existance in these recent times, I want to make one observation. things *have* indeed changed... they've been minor, yet still apparent. I also suppose that it's been more of a gradual change. friends seem different, everything feels a bit colder and detached. it has that lingering feeling of chill that is reminicent of a drizzly, foggy, wet, overcast, cold late winter day. I mean, not the actual atmosphere... just yeah. the conditions of things. it's uneasy, restless, and uncomfortable, yet for some reason, it's stagnant and lingering. maybe it's just me. who knows? I keep thinking "maybe if I start making money, things will change." or "maybe if I get this ______ things will change." but that's not right. things don't fulfill. that inner contentment is from within. maybe I do need another round of soul searching. or maybe I just need coffee. anyways, later!
Current Mood: blahblah
30 March 2006 @ 08:27 pm
ok.. day 2 at Penny's.... not too bad. lots of general computer use skills and sitting around............ doing nothing. I give customers their ordered packages and do credit payments. occasionally some other stuff, but that's it. I even get to sit and stuff. easy. the other girl(Takisha) back there is really nice. but yeah. I don't interact with many people. there's telephone operation, but that's elementary.I get paid for it too. I'm excited. other than that, nothing else has been going on. jeremiah and I have gotten to go out hiking a few times since it's been warmer, I've been playing WoW, I made ryan mad and then made up. everything's going pretty good. I don't particularly like my class at logan, and I've missed too many days, but oh well. I'll survive. I actually got to talk to christine for once. it had been awhile. as for now, life is grand. I'm happy for myself and everyone around me.
24 March 2006 @ 11:39 am
so yeah... got the call yesterday, and I will be notified on Monday about schedualing and whatnot. that means I have a job at JCPenny's! go me! so there will now be less wasted time, and more time earning some $ to do some cool things. only $6.50 an hr and 15-25 hrs. a week, but hey, it's $. 3 day a week 5 hr. shifts would be nice.... we'll see how it goes. anyways, later!
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
21 March 2006 @ 02:56 am
I had a pretty good day today! I got a call at 12ish from JC Penny's saying "you have an interview at 3 tomorrow!" but not really in those words. so yeah.... jobness on the horizons! whoohoo! which means money! the first $170 or so will go towards the finalization of court costs. the rest will be going to WoW game cards... haha jk. but many will be purchased. I'm gonna try to play the ol' game of pimp my compy. it needs it horribly bad. but I'm very much excited! it will be different... ya know... working and all... at least my days of feeling worthless and usless might just be coming to a close. maybe I'll start feeling like I'm freakin 20 years old for once... *sighs* hurray! I can now actually start paying for things and activities! and yeah! presents! coffee! dinners out! day and weekend trips! moving out! whoohoo! anyways, I'll keep ya all informed on how that goes.

in other news, I got to spend some wonderful quality time with my wonderful bf jeremiah... I'm so glad I actually have someone that posesses the qualities of kindness, humbleness, humility, etc... instead of being an arrogent, callow, sardonic asshole. some recent things floating around make me want to vomit. they are repulsive and foul. they also seem to be very much against all that seems good and decent. I'm very very glad you aren't like that jeremiah! I'm glad you're warm, loving, tender, soulful, compassionate, caring, and all that good stuff. :) you make me happy. thank you! I love you!

ryan, I'm sorry ya felt like there wasn't anything to do over at your house tonight. I was enjoying myself, other than the fact that my stomach still hates me. sorry I had to leave early. I really do enjoy your company as well. if you really are gonna inforce the no chillaxin' w/o plans rule, then maybe make them minor tentative plans... like anime watching or beatmania playing... I dunno... we'll try to have some fun times elsewhere here soon. it'll be cool once I start working. that will be cool too. you def. need to help me out if I get the jobness and such. I'll be a toal n00b in the JC Penny's world.

anyways.... that's it for tonight! night night! hopefully the next day I post I will be employed! whoohoo!
Current Mood: chipperchipper
20 March 2006 @ 09:27 am
yesterday was horrible.... I woke up at 8ish all excited to hang out with Mr. Walters and my dear jeremiah. my stomach started doing wierd things, and yeah... it followed by 5 hrs of horrible vomiting and other nasty stomach problems. ugh! it was akin to the sickness I experianced with britt g. back in Dec. after our crazy week. after that 5 hrs of hell, I ended up sleeping for the rest of the day and night... meaning like 2pm - 9am this morning. I was sooo sore and had a horrible fever. I tried to wake up to play WoW with jeremiah, but that didn't happen for very long. I'm a bit better today, but I'm still exhausted. I had some fucked up dreams during my delerious state. I still can't eat anything in fear of another spell. ugh. I hate 3rd world countries and their trash illnesses. I want to say sorry to Ryan for not getting to hang out. I was definatly not in the state to do so. hell, jeremiah didn't even come over. we will indeed hang out sometime this week when I'm closer to being 100%. but until then, it's R&R for me. anyways, later!
Current Mood: sicksick
18 March 2006 @ 02:15 pm
ahhh!!! all I've got to say is that I'm home!!! soooooooooo glad to be back! ok.... so, I do have a few more things to say.

yesterday was the coolest day of the whole trip. we moved to the mainland, got a car, and went to the mayan ruins(finally...). omfucking gawd... that was some cool shit! I kept seeing little piles of rock and rubble like I saw on Cozumel during my Sr. year spring break trip. then I turned the corner and bam! a jaw drop and "wow..." were in order. that thing must have been at least 200ft tall. I'll try to figure out how to post some pics on here. but wow.. there were also really cool mayan carvings preserved on the sides. you could climb up to the top of the ruins as well. the stairs were so steep, and yeah... one of my fears is of falling from high places.

anyways.... that was another dimension. I'm back in my own now. I freakin still miss jeremiah cause I just got back. and I also miss my WoW. oh yeah... and all you other people too. hehe. anyways... time for unpacking! see ya!
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
16 March 2006 @ 09:58 am
ok... still in belize. at the cafe again. so things *did* get a bit better while down here. the waters calmed down a bit so I actually got to go out snorkling and sailing. I got a bit red too though. the katamaran(sp) ride was nice. it was much more relaxing than the motorboat snorkling trip. I got to swim with and touch a 6ft nurse shark on the motorboat trip... hmmm.. oh well.

I miss jeremiah like crazy. oh the sailing trip, I dozed off a bit... there's nothing more relaxing that the swaying of sailing on a nice sea-breezy day. I had a mini-dream of just being with jerry... it was nice. then right when I kinda woke up, there was a boat that passed the katamaran named "Baby Jeremiah" and I smiled and giggled. I've been ready to come home for a few days now. so have my 'rents and 'rents boss. it's alright here.... but not worth it. everything's so expensive... however, I did find the perfect gift. I know you'll love it jerry! I dunno how my 'rents are gonna react if they find out it's no longer in my possesion though, and I'm not sure how cool customs will be with me bringing it back. at least we're not flying on airline. *sighs*

bored... miss friends... hmmmm... what else... I swear time moves waaaaaaayyyyy too slowly here. it's crazy. I've been getting up at 8 and 9 fully awake with nothing to do really.

oh yeah! I think I officially have an ear infection. ewwwww!!! it's more annoying than painful. the inside of my left ear is just massivly swollen. at least the pharmacies down here don't require prescriptions for the majority of their stock of drugs. hehe... mega pain killers... anyways, I'm gonna get going. see ya guys!
12 March 2006 @ 04:57 pm
hi. I'm in belize. it kinda sucks. typical tropical vacation.... i've been on too many of these. it feels the freakin same as the caymans, cozumel, and jamaica. I miss my friends and want to get away from my 'rents. maybe it'll get better. I'm at some internet cafe. my mom didn't bring her laptop. I miss jeremiah a ton... oh well. I'll be back. just thought i'd touch base with all you LJ readers.
Current Mood: boredbored